Are we worrying about the wrong things?

I usually write exclusively for parents interested the business of child performing.  This post will start that way – the inspiration for this – but it’s quickly going to go into some passionate feelings I have for all parents.  So please read, consider, and share if you think this can be helpful (and I’m really hoping it can).  It’s taken me a long time to write this; school, family, auditions, all pile up…and, frankly, it’s a tough subject and I wanted to provide you with as much accurate information as possible.

Recently, several model moms discovered that there were photos of their children (or children we know) along with many other kiddos on some “chan” sites.  Now, I will admit that I took a look at a link for about two seconds and the children I saw were fully-clothed and pretty innocent-looking.  Some children we did not recognize were young girls (as little as one in a full-on carseat) that had a lot of makeup on and done-up hair.  (Remember I am a real makeup prude for kids -- especially mine -- but I don’t want to get all judgy – time and a place for everything and it’s hard enough to be a mom without other judgy moms).  These particular sites are called “chan” sites (I believe) and are like whac-a-mole sites…impossible to eliminate because they come as fast as they go and skirt legal vs illegal activity and are based out of the country and travel through all sorts of servers to protect the anonymity of the origins.  Ok, creeped out much? (I just want to add that I visited a site for only two seconds because I quickly realized I wanted NOTHING even connected to the stuff that could end up on my computer or the viruses or the whatever related to the garbage.)

Moms I interact with FREAKED OUT.  You probably would too.  I told my wife and she FREAKED OUT (although no one seemed to see my daughter anywhere). 

Guess who didn’t freak out.

Me.

You see, my kid is out there.  You can go on Macy’s, Belk’s, Target, Hanna, J. Crew (etc., etc.) and see child models.  Heck, many of us put photos of our kids on Facebook and Instagram all the time (I do).  My kid is fully-clothed, looks age-appropriate, and just happens to be a seven-year-old girl.  Guess what?  If some creeper is going to get all worked up over my kid…it could just as easily happen to any kid, model or not…whatever.  I HATE that it could happen; it SICKENS me; and it’s just plain WRONG – don’t get me wrong.  I don’t want to argue THOSE points.  But what am I going to do?  Hide my kid behind a veil or keep her inside her life?  We let our schools post photos of our kids planting trees and stuff.  Perverts who like photos of kids planting trees?  Probably exist.

However, the ODDS of your child and mine ending up on internet creeper sites are so minimal that as EFFED UP as it may be, you just cannot worry about it.  If you post scantily-clad, sexy-pose photos of your kid, maybe worry about it more.

Now here’s where I’m going to get really passionate.  Look back at my title: Are we worrying about the wrong thing?

If you’re worried about where your kid shows up on the internet, YES, you are worrying about the wrong thing.

Now this part is for ALL parents – not just those of kids in the public eye.

Mic check.  Testing…1, 2, 3…

You know what we really need to worry about?  Our children being sexually abused.  You know why?  Because this actually DOES happen to many kids.  The statistics are staggering.  I’m passionate about this because I cannot even count the number of family members, friends, and students I have worked with over my twenty years in the classroom who have been sexually abused.  I’m not even going to divulge the range of people who are so close to me who have endured that vile atrocity because it’s their story to tell – but trust me; it’s many.

Let me throw some numbers at you.

According to the National Center for Victims of Crime, ONE in FIVE girls and ONE in TWENTY boys are victims of child sexual abuse before they reach adulthood.  This is ALL kids and these are only statistics based on actual reported acts in the United States.  The statistics align with adults’ recollections of their experience with abuse, although adult males tend to report that they experienced child sexual abuse in slightly higher numbers than actually recorded in crime databases.  Overall, this translates into slightly less than 10% OF ALL AMERICAN CHILDREN experiencing child sexual abuse.  Even worse: only about 30% of sexual assault cases are reported to authorities!  (I want you to know that my I have done my well-trained due diligence to verify that the websites I used for this present reliable, well-researched statistics, so you can trust my sources.)

Now here’s the one that should make you stop dead in your tracks.

90% of the victims of child sexual abuse are victimized by someone they KNOW.  60% are known to the offender but are NOT family and the remaining 30% are family members.  It kind of turns out that “stranger danger” is BS.

Children who experience abuse by someone they know are far more likely to experience significant problems with trust, feelings of worthlessness, and are very likely to have suicidal ideation.  These internalized feelings may lead to significant problems forming meaningful relationships and partnerships as children become adults…and there is evidence that children who suffered prolonged abuse from family members are far more likely to experience so-called acquaintance rape (political statement: rape is rape whether you know someone or not, so we’ll just say “raped by someone they know”).

An extensive report authored in 2010 by former FBI Investigator Kenneth Lanning (sponsored by the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children along with the Department of Justice) offered this important information:

“Acquaintance molesters are still, however, one of the most challenging manifestations of sexual victimization of children for society and professionals to face. People seem more willing to accept a sinister, unknown individual or ‘stranger’ from a different location or father/stepfather from a different socioeconomic background as a child molester than a clergy member, next-door neighbor, law-enforcement officer, pediatrician, teacher, coach, or volunteer. Acquaintance molesters often gain access to children through youth-serving organizations. The acquaintance molester, by definition, is one of us. He is not simply an anonymous, external threat.”  (Emphasis mine.)

One of the most important things you should learn about, as a parent, is the process of “grooming” – how a potential perpetrator of child sexual abuse gains trust in YOU as well as your child to create a situation in which that person can victimize a child.  One thing very true of child performers is that they are exposed to close contact with adults who could potentially create “grooming” situations hospitable to abuse – but honestly, it can happen in church, on a sports team, at karate, or at Thanksgiving dinner.

I could go on forever with facts and statistics…and I will provide you with the links to all the sites I used for my research, including helpful information to learn about child sexual abuse, how to talk to your children, signs and symptoms and even the sex offender registries (handy to check when your children are starting new activities, etc., but remember these crimes are VERY UNDER-REPORTED so the offenders may never have encountered the justice system in any form).  And don’t even get me started on the plea bargains offenders can take to avoid trial that make their crimes seem minimal “on the record.”  I served on a jury in which a man charged with forcing a young boy to perform and receive oral sex was pled down to “sexual contact with a minor” – a fourth degree felony with a relatively short sentence – from First Degree Sexual Assault (which is the legal charge for RAPE in CT)…and a man my family knows well who was caught file-sharing as well as possessing a lot of child pornography on his computer who pled that down to something like one obscene photo or something.  (The justice system in this country is effed up, but that’s like another entire blog I could write.)

So please.  Worry about the right things with your children.  You CANNOT be too careful about this.  

Do not let your child spend unsupervised time without you or a very, very, very trustworthy person (and remember the whole “grooming” thing?  They make themselves seem very, very, very trustworthy!).  Re-think sleepovers – even with family members.  Host them at your house or discourage them entirely.  I’m sorry – I know that is really lame and maybe over-cautious parenting, but my child is much less likely to suffer from the tears of reacting to mean old mom than being abused by a known person.  Heck, I worry about this more than any likelihood my child will be harmed by a giant, red, three-month-old perfect Monsanto strawberry.  Or riding her bike in the road.

Talk about this stuff.  With your kids, your spouse, your friends.  If you think it hasn’t happened to people you know, you will become quite aware how widespread it is once you have those conversations.

And please share this.  Share these links.  Let your friends know what they need to worry about.  The bicycle helmet?  YES, of course.  Drowning in the pool?  YES.  But this one – child sexual abuse – is more likely than any of those.  We TALK about the helmets and the pools – so maybe that’s why they happen less.  We hear the horror stories of drowning and we make our kids have a healthy fear of the water and we teach them to swim.  But do we teach them to do as much as possible to protect them from sexual abuse?

We’d better start.  NOW.

Reactions?  Thoughts?  Post here, on my Facebook page (The Bizzy Mama) or via email: theBizzyMama@gmail.com

Resources:

National Center for Victims of Crime, Child Sexual Abuse Statistics:

http://www.victimsofcrime.org/media/reporting-on-child-sexual-abuse/child-sexual-abuse-statistics

The Lanning report on child molesters:

http://www.missingkids.com/en_US/publications/NC70.pdf

National Sex Offender Public Website (lots of publications/guides/etc.; not just sex offender registries)

https://www.nsopw.gov/en/Education/ResourcesMaterials

...and a direct link to their "Common Questions" page where you can read about many things including grooming:

https://www.nsopw.gov/en/Education/CommonQuestions#answer-05

Stop It Now!  Resources for preventing child sexual abuse:

http://www.stopitnow.org/

National Center for Missing and Exploited Children -- includes information on reporting child sexual abuse (among many other things):

http://www.missingkids.com/Home

What to consider if you're thinking about...switching agencies.

At some point in your child’s modeling career, you may start wondering: is it time to find a new agent?  Assuming you’ve been around for a while, booked some jobs, and now know the process, you may wonder if you have the right fit with an agent.  This is very common.  In fact, almost everyone I know has either had the thought cross their mind (even if only for a few seconds) OR has switched agencies.  If you’re at that point, what should you consider before you try to make a change?  And then, if you decide to make the move, how should you handle it?

Part 1: Should I switch?

If you’ve been a loyal BizzyMama reader, you know that I often suggest that you think of this stuff very much within the context of a business decision.  I live within a mile of two grocery stores, a Target, and a Walmart.  I go to Stop & Shop and Target while my wife goes to Price Chopper and Walmart (well, she’s into Target as well, but she WILL go to Walmart and I just don’t.)  Now follow me for a moment here: the Stop & Shop is more expensive, but it’s newer, better lit, and cleaner (in my opinion).  I’m also a creature of habit: I drove across town to go to Stop & Shops in my previous two homes, so imagine how happy I was when one opened near me!  I get their, as I call it, logic – how they have things laid out.  My wife “gets” Price Chopper logic, likes the prices, and can find her favorite yogurt there or whatever.  We make these choices based on different things: someone may like the cashiers better at one store or shop at any store based on the price of sale items.  I hate the parking lot at Walmart, but find Target’s to be pretty civilized.  My preferences are my preferences.  And: I’m talking about businesses here.  If I had a bad business experience, I would probably change my store.  And that’s what you should be thinking.

But: can you get FOOD at both grocery stores?  And cat litter at Target and Walmart?  YES.  You’re really going to have the same outcome at either place.  So when you are wondering if you should switch agencies, here is probably the ONE THING you should be very realistic about…and it’s probably the LAST reason why you should switch agencies…I’m going to put it first but number it really low on the list.  It’s really important to know this one and really important to say it should not be your #1 consideration…

#654:  "My child isn’t booking with this agency."

The solid agencies in each major market generally get the same opportunities.  They generally submit any kids who fit the breakdown, and they generally operate their submissions and bookings the same way.  This is why they are the solid agencies…they have built up their reputations with clients and casting directors by doing good business and doing right by their talent.  If they didn’t…they wouldn’t be able to survive in the business.  And, furthermore – perhaps most importantly – I really only know of two (that’s TWO) kids who booked more when they switched agencies (and I know a lot of kids and moms!).  There are really not many “grass is greener” stories to share with you about booking…so realize that different agencies don’t mean more jobs for 99% of kids.  (If I’m wrong about this, write to me so I can change my statistics!)

So what should you seriously consider?  In no specific order…

Do I work well with the people who contact me?

Does the agency’s system of sending out castings and bookings make sense to you or do they leave you with questions?  Are they professional and courteous, as you would expect, for example, when you call your pediatrician’s office?  Are they too formal or too casual for your style?  Do you know who is contacting you or is the staff really inconsistent?

How is the “fit”? 

This is very similar to the previous question, but maybe takes a little intuition to figure out.  How do they respond to me when I call/email?  Do I get the right “vibe”?  (This assumes you are calling/emailing/etc. a reasonable amount and not asking every other day why your kid didn’t get casting X or are holds out for casting Y?)  Sometimes people consider the warm fuzzies…or the organization…or the precision…it really depends on you.

What is our contact with the person “in charge”?

Some agencies are operated heavily by their owners, some have long-established agents who handle a division, and some have one or two junior staffers who handle most of the day-to-day booking.  You don’t necessarily need to have regular contact with some head honcho, but you should have a sense of who runs the show – which will give you a sense of HOW that person runs the show.

How is the money end of things?

Do checks come in a timely manner?  Does the amount paid equal what you were told the job would earn?  Is the accounting clear?  When you do your paperwork on April 14, does it all make sense?  If you do need to chase down a payment, is the agency helpful and do they keep you posted?  Do things get deducted from your checks that you don’t understand?

Do I like the fact that this agency earns 20% on my kid’s jobs? 

And we circle back to the whole business thing.  Does the agency want to book you?  YES, because that is how they make money.  If you think your kid is probably going out for the jobs you’re hearing about FOR YOUR KID’S EXACT BREAKDOWN, and you like the interactions you have with the agency, I would say: you really have no need to change.  If you are stuck on #654, wait.  Take a few (weeks’ worth of) deep breaths.  Don’t get hung up on names or who is on their roster or what works for that other family.  Focus on the business.  I’m not going to start going to Price Chopper just because my wife does.  If Stop & Shop starts getting shabby or I start getting the wrong change or rude customer service, then I would probably look around at other stores.  But I’ve got an embarrassingly large number of years of Stop & Shop loyalty under my belt, and I’m not going to give that up just because they were out of my raspberry swirl Greek yogurt the last two times it was on sale.

To sum things up with my “greener grass” analogy: most parents who have switched agencies and were happy with the switch did it because of the fit and the business model.  Most parents who switched because of the opportunities/bookings were not as happy with their move.

I’ll save the how-to for the next post…I’ve had a headache all day and I am going to chill out before my daughter gets home from school.

Thanks for reading!  As always, feel free to comment here, on my facebook page (The Bizzy Mama) or via email, at thebizzymama@gmail.com.  You can also check out some kid and pet pics on Instagram @theBizzyMama.  And, for some reason, I don’t tweet.

Did you know…? Workplace Safety for Child Performers (Second in a series.)

Recently, two moms contacted me with some pretty serious safety concerns about the sets where their children were called to work.  As parents, we’re used to being pretty vigilant with our kids – we tend not to take them to places we deem unsafe.  For example, I usually don't allow my kids to climb on the lumber in Home Depot…while climbing at the playground padded with 12” of superfoam is usually ok.  (Laugh about it – this is my sad attempt at humor while I am procrastinating doing my Stats homework.)  We all know how stressful it is to bring the kids to a relative’s house that is not child-proofed – it’s like playing full body goalie to keep your kid from tumbling off the floating staircase or forming a percussion band experiment on the Ming vases.  You get the point.  We also tend to think places where children are expected to be -- whether it’s a birthday party, school, or day care – are going to be safe.  So reason would have it that sets for children’s photo shoots would be safe as well, right?

Um, no.  Not really.

Here’s what New York State law says about the safety of child performers:

(a) The employer shall provide the child performer and his or her parent or guardian with information and instruction to protect the health or safety of the child performer, including any potential hazards associated with the specific activities that he or she will be expected to perform. In addition, a child performer must be given adequate instruction and rehearsal time for the specific activities he or she is to perform in order to protect his or her health or safety.

(b) A child performer and his or her designated responsible person shall be given orientation training to the workplace, other than the child performer’s own residence, that is adequate and appropriate to their ages.

Orientation training should include:

(1) Health and safety precautions for the venue or location;

(2) Traffic patterns backstage or on location;

(3) Safe waiting areas for child performers backstage or on location;

(4) Restricted areas;

(5) Location of rest areas/rooms, toilets, makeup areas, and other relevant rooms;

(6) Emergency procedures; and,

(7) Employer designated persons to inform of hazardous conditions and what actions to take.

Sounds pretty good, right?  If only.

I think I mentioned this in the previous “Did you know…?”  but I’ll say it again.  This business is not always child friendly, and it operates much more on the basis of “children dropped into an adult world” rather than adults creating a world for children.  One of the mothers who contacted me described the WAITING AREA of the shoot to be kind of like a Home Depot: ladders and wires and set construction stuff all over the place.  This was the waiting area.  She said that every mother there was playing the full-body goalie game, trying to keep little ones – we’re talking fifteen month olds here – safe and happy.  (A walking fifteen-month-old is a creature unto its own…if you have older kids, you’ve probably blocked that all out of your memory.  I remember childbirth better than I remember chasing my kids around at that age.)  Now, obviously this description of the waiting area falls far from the parameters of the law.

Another mom described the conditions on a location shoot to be nothing short of oppressive.  High heat, kids waiting around in winter clothes (in the summer), no cool place to wait while kids were visibly distressed and showing signs of the heat affecting their well-being, random production staff taking kids to different areas of the location without parents knowing, no private places to change children’s clothes for the shoot, and flights of stairs for parents and little ones to navigate endlessly because of the extreme disorganization on set.  A typical shoot in these conditions would have an air-conditioned motor home parked on set, with seating (not much room, but cool and safe enough for everyone to have good supervision over the children) and a private changing area, a place outdoors for the kids to play between shoots, and a way to keep either our own beverages or production-provided beverages at least a little cool for our kids. 

And here’s another one -- not recent, but an incident that is burned into my mind: a child FELL INTO A POND on a location shoot and a mom had to jump in a rescue the child.  What on earth were they thinking holding a shoot right near a pond when plenty of little kids were in the vicinity?

Now tell me this: would Gigi Hadid put up with this?  These shoots I described were for good brands and stores – with plenty of resources to make a couple of adjustments to keep the models more comfortable – but they did not take care to make sure the children were safe and at least slightly comfortable on set.  Of those provisions I provided from the law, how many glaring violations can you see?  Now, I paint these severe pictures as worst-case-scenarios.  Generally speaking, I have found sets to have some safety concerns such as wires and gear that could be unsafe for the kids, but generally I’ve experienced safe waiting areas and the kids have been well-supervised on set.  Most productions tend to show concern for the little ones’ well-being.  I personally don’t have any horror stories…yet.

So here’s the big question: what do you do when you’re on set and these things happen?

I’ll focus on print here.  Production companies (the people hired to set things up, organize the schedule, get the creative team’s vision into reality) are not child-care professionals.  They are not used to the safety concerns we only really realized once we had our own kids.  So it’s going to happen that you may encounter some degree of the inconveniences I mentioned.  First of all, advocate for your child.  There should be a “point person” on the set – and if you’re not sure who that is, ask someone who signs the vouchers.  The person who signs the vouchers is probably someone with some degree of control in the situation.  Express concern and ask specifically for what you need.  Some examples: “I’m concerned that there is not a private area for the kids to change.  Can you make a space?”  (They can…there is stuff they can move around or they can clear an area behind a clothing rack if nothing else.)  “I feel like there are a lot of unsafe things in the waiting area – can someone come and rearrange a few things so the kids aren’t so close to the wires?”  I feel like the calm, professional parent can get a lot done with this type of direct concern/ask for change type interaction.  It’s not confrontational and puts the staff into the position of looking like idiots if they say no.

Now, what if the staff is surly or unresponsive?  Or just so disorganized that they cannot stop for five minutes to accommodate these simple requests?  I think the next step is to call your agent.  Your agent has the contact information for someone somewhere who has some control on the set, and your agent should contact that person immediately.  As I mentioned in my previous post, your agent needs to know the law and your agent needs to be willing to advocate for your child.  You want your agent to tell you it’s ok to leave if you feel like your child is unsafe or disregarded – and your agent should take up payment, etc., with the client afterwards.  If your agent hesitates and seems to want you to stay so you don’t lose the booking, maybe it’s time to have a conversation with the agent.

On-camera sets tend to be different.  Modeling is only recently covered under the child performer law, and they probably don’t know all they should about the rights and protections of children.  THIS DOES NOT EXCUSE THEM, but it may explain why they need a reminder about their sets.  Production staffs that do on-camera (or stage) are somewhat more versed in the law, as it has tended to be enforced more with them.  The unions, SAG/AFTRA and AEA, have more stringent protections for the children than the law provides, and they have a representative on set to make sure production complies with union rules, so you know exactly who the point person is when you have concerns.  Unfortunately, modeling has no union – yet – to protect its workers.  Here’s a little political plug: if you are opposed to unions, this is one place where you need to acknowledge and be thankful that they actively protect child performers.  (I could go on, but I’ll spare you.)

The only way conditions for children on sets will improve is if parents and agents know the law and advocate for their children.  If EVERY parent and agent insists on safety, no one would have to fear retaliation by reactionary clients and production.  Safety needs to become the norm – on every set – and should never be questioned.

Reactions?  Responses?  Comment here or on my facebook page (The Bizzy Mama) or you can contact me by email at thebizzymama@gmail.com  You can also check out my Instagram if you want to see my kids and pets: TheBizzyMama

Did You Know...? (First in a Series)

If you've read my recent posts, you know that I have strong feelings about pay-to-work modeling.  Child modeling is a profession, overseen by labor laws.  I have realized, though, in some of my advocacy work, that many parents are not aware of exactly how these labor laws protect their children.  So, I've decided to do some posts about different sections of the New York State law governing child performers -- with an eye toward the level of protection you need to have over your children and how the law supports that.  Here we go!  Part one:

Did you know…

According to NYS child performer law, each child on set must have a “responsible person” overseeing the wellbeing of that child.  Here is what the law says:

“(a) Every child performer under the age of 16 shall be assigned a responsible person at least 18 years of age, whose duties shall be to accompany the child throughout the work day and to monitor the child’s safety and well-being. The employer shall allow the responsible person to be within sight or sound of the child at all times during the workday.”

Essentially, the responsible person is YOU -- and this law protects YOUR right to watch over your child.  This is particularly important for any child who will be changing clothes – you should personally be in the presence of your child when your child will be undressing.  This isn’t just to prevent your child from being “touched” by someone on set, but also to prevent anyone from sneakily taking pictures of your child.  I don’t mean the photographer (but I will not exclude that possibility).  People on set are often employed by production companies hired by the client and you simply do not know if some tech or assistant is going to snap a shot of your child.  I recommend that you stand in front of your child to block anyone’s view (same or opposite sex) if the changing area is not absolutely private.  I cannot stress enough that there are perverts, sex offenders, and pedophiles out there – and they are often “trusted” adults that your child may have met before.  A common tactic is for someone to recognize a child and warm up to the kid by saying something like, “Remember me?  We met at the ___ shoot!” putting your child in the uncomfortable position of having to warm up to, essentially, a stranger.  Pediatricians, mental health professionals, and industry advocates say there are far more people to be concerned about on sets than we would ever know.

There are some other provisions in this section of the law; for example, the parent may designate a responsible adult over 18 if the parent is not available (if you have a nanny, relative, or even another performer’s parent watching your child that day).  There are further protections for children between 15 weeks and 6 months – these young ones actually require an employer to have a registered nurse on set.

This law now applies to print -- in addition to stage and on-camera.  That's a relatively recent development (within the past couple of years) and many print productions are not fully aware of these laws.  Ideally, your agent should be very familiar with them as well.  In case there is an issue that cannot be easily resolved on set, your first call should be to your agent -- who is the next in line after you as advocate for your child.

Until next time!

Pay-to-Play Runway NO WAY part 2 (or P2PRWNW2)

Wow!  Lots of responses to this pay-to-play runway topic!  I've even had to resort to shorthand: P2PRW.  I’ve spent some time wandering around social media to see what people are thinking, and I’ve seen a LOT of interesting points.  I’ll address some of them specifically, but first I want to focus on what I think is my biggest issue with pay-to-play runway.  Several people raised this point with me, and it zeroes in on some of my biggest concerns with the industry.

So here goes.

Child modeling is a job.  It’s work. 

It sounds really cool, and for most kids, there are bursts of fun and giggling at shoots – but there is a lot of waiting around, getting poked and prodded, reminded to be quiet…there’s a reason it’s paid work.  And as it’s paid work, it’s regulated by labor laws.  A lot of us say it’s a fun hobby – which it may very well be for parents and some families – and the money isn’t anything you’re going to get rich from (see my earlier post about what a child model makes) – but the hobby is actually considered BY LAW to be work for a kid and as such, there are specific requirements and protections built into how it's done.  And these requirements and restrictions are especially important for runway work.  It may not seem like a big deal for an eight-year-old to put on a pretty dress and work that runway – but it’s a slippery slope as to what comes next.  The regulations are designed to protect the little ones as well as to prevent emaciated fifteen-year-olds from walking for Proenza Schouler or whomever.  All kids under 18 are treated the same under child performer laws, and the laws need to be applied to all kids who work.  And let’s just say that California laws make NY laws look like a little board-book story.  (And runway work is explicitly part of child performer laws.)

It’s work.  What do you do for a living?  What do you dream of doing?  Would you work for free?  I highly doubt you would show up and do someone’s job for free – and I’m sure you would never ask anyone to come PAY YOU to do your job.  How would your colleagues feel if someone just paid to show up and do the job with no permit or other requirements of the job?  Again, modeling is work.  It should be treated as such. 

So we're not actually talking pay-to-PLAY...As my friend (shout out!) pointed out, it's pay-to-WORK!  YESSSSS!!!  We're talking about PAY-TO-WORK!

Now – here’s where I can anticipate what you’re thinking.  “You just don’t want someone to come and take away an opportunity for your daughter!”  You know what?  People come and get chosen for jobs she could do EVERY DAY.  Rejection is CONSTANT in this industry.  My daughter gets rejected so many times that I never even know about!  I TRULY do not personalize any of that.  Some moms do, and I really disagree with that belief system.  But honestly, there will ALWAYS be more attractive, cuter, smarter, more talented kids than my daughter and my agency may sign five of them tomorrow.  I have no control over that.  I DO NOT believe that your kid will take any opportunities away from my daughter that your kid doesn’t totally deserve – when you play by the rules of the game.  We don’t even love runway that much.  Don’t get me wrong, we’ll do it, but it’s a long hard day and probably even more fun for me than my daughter. 

Ok, now for some point-by-point responses.

1.  But it’s my child’s dream to be a runway model! 

Ok, it does look cool and it can be a lot of fun.  Lots of little girls like to be pampered and feel beautiful.  Is this the only way?  Is this really your child’s dream?  As any model mom who started when our kids were practically fetal or non-verbal – it was OUR idea.  OUR choice.  As children get older, sure, they have more to say about it.  Are there other dreams you can nurture?  Do you want your child’s dream to be realized by someone making money off of your child’s dream in a way that’s not considered an industry standard or norm – when many other people are playing by the rules?  Do you realize your dreams by paying for the opportunity?  If so, who profits?  Was it worth it in the end?  Think about the lessons you want to reinforce in your home.  (And don’t tell me it was your dream to go skydiving and you did and it was expensive and it was great.  You paid for the company’s experience, their safety expertise, their equipment, their airplane fuel, and their insurance – which I am sure is huge.)

2.  …and we’re not in a big market…we haven’t been picked up by an agency…etc.

All children are beautiful and many designers cast a wonderful range of looks.  Some kids happen to do well modeling and some do not, but that doesn’t mean your child cannot participate in local, charity, or fun runway shows.  If you can’t find one of those, why not organize a runway show for a few Girl Scout troops to raise funds?  Get some people together to sponsor a mission trip?  PTA family night?  You can charge the viewers/guests of the show and it can be a legitimate charity donation.  I am certain you can get a bunch of people excited to participate, maybe some shops willing to lend outfits for publicity (or wear your finest or create a theme) and you can even hire hair and makeup people and a photographer – or get donated services for the charity – for less than it would cost even one girl to participate in some pay-to-play shows.  Get creative.  Want to go to a big city for fashion fun?  Make an appointment with a personal shopper in Bloomingdale’s and book a beauty treatment at Elizabeth Arden.  Stay overnight.  You are still paying far less than some runway shows I’ve seen.

3.  This will give my child exposure!

Highly doubtful…to just NO.   Agencies do not sign/book kids from their runway work.  Actually, I do know one girl who was sort of scouted by an agent at Petite Parade (but then again, it was an event that an agent would actually attend…and she was already a successful actor…so I guess it doesn’t really apply here).  My daughter has done several Petite Parade shows and not once – ever – were the photos from the show used by her agency.  Not once were they ever used for a submission.  Did photographers take her picture?  Sure.  Did she get posted on social media?  Sure.  Did she get a really bad thumbnail pic printed in Vogue Bambini from the show when she was 3 and buried her head all the way down the runway?  Yes.  But you know who soaked up all the exposure she got?  ME.  Moms look for their own kids.  And really…no one else does.  And that’s at Petite Parade!

4.  It’s just like sports or dance or cheer or…fencing or…poetry class!  We pay for all that!

Yes, you do.  And I know those great things are not cheap!  And the older the kids get, the more it all costs!  But it’s not the same.  They get instruction and experience they can actually apply.  They are not paying a fee just to show up at a game and realize their dream of being an all-star.  Those lessons/programs/classes reinforce proper technique, the value of persistence and practice, and many other labor-of-love lessons for our children.  Unlike walking down a runway, the time our children spend in those programs give them the tools to realize both short-term and long-term goals.

Maybe your dream is to play in the World Series.  You can’t just pay to show up and do it.  You can, however, spend a nice weekend at fantasy camp with a real team – for fun – just not doing their jobs.

5.  Modeling is not cheap!

Don’t I know it!  I commute two hours for most of my daughter’s work and that started when gas was $4.00/gallon!  Tolls and parking and lunch/dinner in the city and all that stuff adds up – and that’s not even counting the occasional head shots she may need or the acting classes she’ll start in a year or so.  It’s NOT free.  But you know what?  Those are the business expenses any self-employed worker would incur.  There are all sorts of tax laws to deal with that stuff.  And here’s the clincher: you can only deduct expenses incurred in the course of working or improving your current craft.  (So acting lessons for an actor would work, but not cooking lessons for an actor…unless the actor is preparing for the role of a chef…you get the point.)  Pay-to-play runway wouldn’t qualify for this, since it doesn’t further a career.   And my daughter never, ever pays to work.  Agencies ONLY take money in the form of commission from paid jobs – not one cent beyond that.  And if you live in NYC, most of those travel expenses I pay are off the table.  I work with moms and kids who WALKED from their apartment to the studio!  How easy is that!

6.  But I get to keep the clothes! – or – But we get pictures!

Will your child wear them again?  I mean, I’m sure they are wonderful and show the designer’s vision – but a lot of runway looks are more conceptual than wearable.  Is it really a true win-win?  And about the pictures?  Of course we know that photographers should be paid for their work.  Are you paying the photographer or the designer?  How does the rate for the photographer stack up to the going rate for a similar shoot?  If the designer hires the photographer for just a few hundred bucks but then promises packages of pictures to participants, that really sucks for the photographer!  Just consider what I wrote above about who viewed the runway pictures of my daughter: me.  (And there were some images I selected and purchased full-res from the photographers…for me.)

7.  Not from model moms, but from designers:  Do you know how hard it is for a young/new designer to get started?

Not personally, but I have worked with several and know how they roll.  They work jobs they don’t love during the day and they design and sew at night.  They get friends with cameras to take pics…maybe get a few friends with kids to model…and they grow a little at a time.  I’ve seen lookbooks they printed themselves on color printers they bought at Staples.  They pound the pavement to boutiques and sell on commission.  They work their butts off and some succeed and some don’t.  I don’t want to be all “too bad  / so sad” here, but a lot of people work very hard to realize their dreams or attain what they want in their career and they don’t have the opportunity (or desire) to fund their goals off the desires of little children.  It can be done.

8.  Let’s not all judge each other!!!

I agree.  THAT’S not productive.  But advocating for one’s position is – and I’m advocating to keep the child modeling/talent industry fair for all involved.  Work is work and should be treated as such.  And if we happen to meet and you’ve just done, like, six pay-to-play runway shows with your kid?  Whatever.  You know my feelings already.  I won’t bite.  Six pay-to-play shows AND a “Make America Great Again” hat?  THEN we may have a problem…KIDDING!!!  (Dad?!?)

And just a reminder: make sure if your kid is doing any runway -- paid/unpaid/for pay -- in NYFW, be sure you have your permits on hand and proof of trust account!

For any comments, respond here or on my Facebook page, The Bizzy Mama.  You can reach me by email at TheBizzyMama@gmail.com and check out some of my daughter's work on Instagram.  And pets.

Quick Clarification

Just want to let you all know -- since I have many new readers -- I receive absolutely no money, services, or goods for my blog or anything I post.  If I did, I would tell you.  I have been accused of receiving something in exchange for "promoting" East Coast Starz in my last post and I did not nor would I accept anything in exchange for their mention.  I know people who have gone to their events and have been very happy with the experience, and that is why I added them into my post.  I attended with my daughter about a year and a half ago but she came down with a fever after we were there only a couple of hours so we left -- but I can say for certain that there were a ton of girls and their moms (and siblings) having a blast.

So, no, sorry, nothing in exchange.

Pay-to-play? No way.

New York Fashion Week?!?!?  We’ve seen it on television – Sex and the City, Entertainment Tonight, Real Housewives…the New York Times devotes many pages to NYFW coverage…it’s huge.  It’s exciting.  It’s REAL.  The.  Real.  Deal.  in fashion.  Right?  But what role is there for children in NYFW?  Or any fashion week in any city?  Let’s first cover how fashion weeks work.

Some shows are huge productions with elaborate lighting, hours of hair and makeup, and legs after legs of gorgeous models.  These tend to be shows by HUGE designers…think Chanel, Marc Jacobs, Chloe, Prada…you know what I mean.  These are the shows that tend to get a lot of press coverage as well.  There are many other shows of all sizes in the City that week…some in designers’ showrooms or small studios…you name the budget, there is a show for it.  Designers often showcase couture (the hand-sewn and embellished one-of-a-kind pieces) along with high-end ready-to-wear to “show off” their looks/concepts for the season, and then have a lookbook available for the buyers to select the items they would like to purchase for their stores.  Some designers show more ready-to-wear looks with a few couture pieces thrown in for their signature touch…and some emerging designers just have a small line of fifteen looks they would love to catch the eye of a single buyer at a good store – just to get started.  It totally ranges!

But here’s what doesn’t happen.  Anna Wintour and Sarah Jessica Parker and Jill Zarin (who famously left a show because she wasn’t front row – Real Housewives reference) and the NYT reporters do NOT pay to attend fashion week shows.  They are invited.  Designers use these shows to showcase their work to get press, ideally good reviews, and to get buyers in the door to purchase their designs for their stores.  DESIGNERS PAY to get their work shown.  They pay the producers or rent the studio, pay for hair and makeup, lighting, probably a photographer to catalog their work, and they send out lots of invitations.  Louis Vuitton?  Will fill a tent.  New designer fresh out of FIT?  Hoping for a big break.  From the big names to the emerging designers, I don’t care who they are…THEY PAY.

Now, whether they PAY THE MODELS or not is somewhat uncertain.  Gigi Hadid?  She gets paid.  But even if she didn’t…her picture would be all over every major fashion publication and social media galore…which would, in fact, be a great score for any model.  Not all designers pay models for runway work.  New models fresh on the scene may go to a fifty castings in a week and may book six shows and may get paid for four…banking on getting some press coverage somewhere for the others.

Now, what is the role of kids in NYFW?  Very little, actually.  I cannot think of many shows that feature kidswear during fashion week.  There are a few, but it’s not a big thing in kids’ modeling.  Sometimes a line will use little ones as accessories or have a few pieces to show.  But NYFW is mostly about the women (though there are men’s and co-ed designers for sure), and those are the celebrities, buyers, VIPs, and press invited to attend.  Of course, children’s buyers and press, etc., would be invited to any line showing children’s wear.

Much more relevant in NYC for children is the ENK Children’s Club trade show, which features tons of children’s designers (WHO PAY TO BE THERE) and is an event that draws buyers from all over the country.  There have been some runway shows there and the organizers of Petite Parade planned their shows to coincide with the Children’s Club shows so that buyers could attend both events when in town.  Petite Parade (see an earlier blog post) was larger when it began and billed itself as (basically) the official show of Children’s Fashion Week, but…it’s expensive to participate and produce, which limited the number of designers who showed.  It would be great for it to really take off, but high-end children’s wear is NOT a huge profit maker.  We may be willing to throw down a few bills for clothes for ourselves, but when it comes to our kids – and an item they will wear maybe once (haha, I bought my daughter a lovely holiday dress this year but never got around to doing a picture – it’s still in the garment bag from shipping) – what’s our bottom line?  Dior can afford a show, but check the label in your child’s best outfit – it’s probably not a huge money-maker.

The title of this post is “Pay-to-play:  No way.”  Since the first word is PAY, you can imagine what I’m getting at here.  Should you ever pay for your child to walk in a runway show?  NO.  Who pays for the runway show?  THE DESIGNER.  Everything about the purpose of the show is to benefit the designer.  I don’t care how “emerging” the designer is – children (and their parents) do not need to support that designer’s show.  There are plenty of designers (and show producers) out there who have offered chances for kids to audition for shows – if they pay to attend.  Or they “invite” children to walk in a show – for $2000.  Can you imagine?  $2000 is TEN two-hour, $100/hr modeling jobs BEFORE commission and expenses.  How many moms would be thrilled to have ten modeling jobs in a year for their kiddo?  Some want you to travel – at your expense – and THEN PAY to be in a runway show.  Do you have any idea how ridiculous this sounds?  And if you try to use it as an example of “legitimate” modeling work, EVERYONE in the biz knows how you got there – you paid for it.  I’m sorry to be really nasty about this, but I am passionate about keeping kids’ modeling a legitimate business for our children.  If it’s not, we all lose.  I use this line of reasoning a lot: we ask our children’s principals to sign off on their permit paperwork here in the NYC market.  Why would a principal sign off on your child missing school to work in a pay-to-play industry?  (I don’t want to get into the school issue here – I’ve threatened in the past to write about it, and maybe someday I will…)  That’s the moral equivalent of taking off from school to go to Disney.  Not how we want schools to view the biz.

I’m only talking here about pay-to-play runway…there are also pay-to-play photo shoots and magazines…I’ll cover those in the future.  Bottom line: never pay for your child to do runway as a legitimate modeling opportunity.

But here’s the question some will inevitably ask:  what if my child really wants to model and we’re not in a big market or my child hasn’t been invited to join an agency?  I’m a little more on the fence about this one.  I do know this: smaller markets and department stores – I know our Nordstom does this – often have smaller shows and they want local kids.  A small fee for these doesn’t really get me too angry – there should NOT be a fee, don’t get me wrong, but it’s kind of like paying for any other activity – $25 dollars to get your hair done and walk down a runway and get a few cool pics?  This may be worth it for you and your child.  $25 to AUDITION, however?  No way!  That is just padding someone’s pocket and is NO benefit to you or your child and is certainly sketchy.  One show is offering two tickets to parents with the $25 dollar audition fee – but seriously, if your child is not selected to walk, are you REALLY going to attend the show?  Doubt it.  And back to those ridiculous fees I mentioned earlier: $2000 to WALK?  Seriously?!?  Even Petite Parade is rumored to be around $20,000 for a designer to show about fifteen looks.  Let’s see…fifteen times $2000…you are part of paying someone $30,000 to walk in their show.  I don’t know about you, but I don’t pay $2000 for a YEAR of any one of my child’s activities, and I am certain she gets more out of those than any one shining moment in some runway show.  (There is even a woman who has gotten models to PAY to attend runway shows SHE HAS CANCELLED several times…I have not had personal involvement with this, but I do have friends who did, and wow, did they regret it!)

So heed my warning.  Stay away.  If you would love for your kid to get involved with fashion but not necessarily pageants, check out EastCoast Starz Runway events.  They do events a few times a year (here on the East Coast, but some families do travel) that have a fee, but it includes a lot of fun things including a custom made outfit for your kid, several photo opportunities, and lots of fun and games for parents and kids.  It’s much more akin to paying for a fun activity for your child.  They also have representatives from some legitimate agencies and managers who attend and meet kids if you’re interested.  I know the woman who runs it, and she works her tail off to provide a good experience for kids.  I know many moms and kids who participate in every event, and they always have a great time.

Any discussion you want to have on this, I invite you to head over to my Facebook page: The Bizzy Mama -- it's an easier forum.  I'm also on Instagram at thebizzymama.

Until next time – Happy New Year!  No pay-to-play this year, ok?