So, the Bizzy Mama is
depressed. Not like, sad or bummed
out…but actually depressed. As in, Major
Depression, diagnosis code 296.33. This
depression, in my case and many others, as I am learning, is bosom buddies with
crushing anxiety, panic, and sometimes a little agoraphobia. You know, just so they have a posse. One illness on its own is apparently not
enough.
I chose to write about
this because one of the biggest struggles with these illnesses is the fact that
most people who have them don’t look sick.
And if you look at many of the symptoms, it can come across as laziness…or
even sloth. Unless some people really
want to take a bit of time to learn about these conditions, it can be very
difficult to understand how willpower alone can’t touch these symptoms…and
quips like, “Just get it in your head to get up, start moving, and get through
the day” get received as so demeaning and guilt-inspiring…can actually make the
symptoms worse. This is a
physiologically-based illness, just like diabetes, heart disease, or
Alzheimer’s…and so much of the traditional perception of what makes someone ill
is based on what you can see or observe about a person. When you see someone staying in bed all day
with overflowing laundry and dishes in the sink, you think lazy. When you see an
Alzheimer’s patient disoriented, you think, oh
how sad…I hope that never happens to me…is there a medication for that?
And then when someone
commits suicide, I often hear people say things like, “How selfish! Why didn’t he just reach out for help?” Truthfully, depression-related suicide is far
more likely to kill us than things like liver disease, hypertension, and
Alzheimer’s. There’s a mortality rate to
this shit I’m dealing with. And it’s no
small potatoes.
I’ve battled forms of
depression my whole life, with my first flare-ups in high school (only
diagnosed retroactively, though) and an official first diagnosis in
college. It became particularly bad
about a year after the birth of my first son, and I’ve been treated for it more
intensively for the past fifteen years or so.
I also have some features of Bipolar Disorder, which do not meet the
specific symptoms of Bipolar I or II, but can be nefarious enough to be ready
to treat at the start of symptoms.
A few weeks ago, I shut
down. I’ve had an incredibly challenging
year (I operate on a school-year schedule) with my boys being in a car
accident, my mom being diagnosed with cancer THE NEXT DAY, and my spouse
battling illness during the winter. Work
has also been tough, with new evaluation systems, curriculum, and teaching
expectations…that make it a place virtually unrecognizable in relation to what
I experienced twelve years ago when I started in that district. I’ve had ups and downs all year, many of
which I attributed to being situational – see above. But even when things started settling down,
my migraines intensified to two – three days a week. Migraines cause exhaustion for me, and I
began to spiral downward, even while my doctors were trying to find me some
relief. In the quest for some answers,
they found my thyroid to be
Completely out of
whack, and all of that created a recipe for disaster. I could hardly leave my bedroom…or even my
house.
So, I’m working on it
all. I have a lot to say – things about
the symptoms and the thoughts that run through my head; things about the impact
on the people close to me; and things about my treatment. It will come.
But I thought I would let you know what’s up – and I’m also determined
to show that hey, “normal” (that’s like foul language) “high achievers” can
suffer from mental illness. No, you
probably won’t understand or recognize us unless you’ve been there yourself,
but I’m here. I want to try and help one
person the way others are helping me…and if I do, sharing all of this will be
worth it.
I won’t forget to write
about the biz or the Biz, but considering how paralyzed I’ve been, I’m just
happy to get this out to you! Thanks for
reading.
Feel free to contact me
at thebizzymama@gmail.com, my The
Bizzy Mama facebook page, here, or check out my kitten pictures on Instagram
(theBizzyMama). I’d love it if you click
on the Top Mommy Blogs banner just so they know I haven’t forgotten about
them. (And so they don’t forget about
me.)
I am glad that you are addressing the issue and hope that you will find strategies to help you feel better.
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